The face behind the blogger

I’ve been writing this blog since August 2018 and I wanted to re-visit why I started the blog and basically reveal a bit about myself.

My name is Amneet, mum to beautiful rainbow baby Willow. In September 2017 my life changed when I had a missed miscarriage. My husband and I had been trying for over 2 years to fall pregnant and then we did naturally! At 6 weeks we had an emergency scan as I had some shoulder pain so they wanted to check to location of the pregnancy – all good, in the uterus with a lovely beating heart.

We went for a private scan at 8 weeks and we were told there was no heartbeat. I had heard of missed miscarriages but thought they were so rare and therefore just couldn’t believe it had happened to me. It was a devastating time, but I was well looked after by the hospital and we even received a 4Louis memory box and attended a memorial service for our baby. I felt respected, even though it was a loss before 12 weeks. There are many women I’ve spoken to who haven’t been treated with the same respect by their hospitals. Some women have even just been brushed off as the ‘1 in 4’ or told miscarriage is so common and have been subsequently made to feel like their loss isn’t significant. I’m glad to say my hospital in Newcastle didn’t treat me in that way.

I had to have fertility treatment after that pregnancy as my polycystic ovaries were causing me ovulation problems. We fell pregnant on the second cycle of Clomid issued by the Centre for Life. It’s amazing how the doctor just knew Clomid would work for us and kept me feeling positive.

The pregnancy was so full of anxiety – mostly in the first 12 weeks but then because of my previous loss, the anxiety carried on the whole way through. I went for counselling for some time, I tried to treat myself each week. I tried to distract myself, think positively. It was so difficult and there was no where I could really turn to and say ‘this is really hard because I just feel I’m going to lose my baby again.’

It got to August 2018, a year on from when I fell pregnant with my loss. I hadn’t spoken about it openly really – my work colleagues knew and direct family and close friends, but no one else. I felt I needed to talk and then something clicked – it’s good to talk. Talking about something opens it up for other people who have experienced the same. So many people had experienced miscarriage or fertility issues and didn’t feel they could talk about it. My blog has become a voice for those people.

I took things further when I decided I wanted to start up a Support Group in my area for pregnancy loss and pregnancy after loss. There were a couple around for pregnancy loss but not much for people pregnant again after loss and feeling anxious. That was perhaps for me the time I needed the most support. My group has been running since September 2018 through NCT Charity.

I felt I could do more. I wanted to do more. I was so grateful for my miracle born in November 2018 and sad my pregnancy had been filled with anxiety the whole way through. I thought about the things that helped me and then Willow’s Rainbow Box was born. I decided I wanted to start a charity giving comfort gift boxes to women pregnant again after loss, with the aim to help reduce anxiety.

That’s my life now – starting up a charity, searching for part time work and looking after my beautiful daughter with my husband – he works so hard to make any of this possible and supports me so much in my ventures.

We get one life – I believe in doing something good and leaving a mark on the world. If I can make good out of such a dark experience and I can help other people, I’m happy.

To baby shower or not to baby shower? The struggles of pregnancy after loss.

I’m still trying to get my head around the fact that exactly one year ago yesterday, I had an ERPC for the baby we lost at 8 weeks gestation. Fast forward a year and I am 32 weeks pregnant, constantly counting my chickens and about to have a baby shower.

When I fell pregnant again, these are some of the things that went through my head which may be different to how a woman would feel if she had never been through a loss:

Throughout the whole pregnancy I’ve felt like I’ve been holding my breath – it’s a strange feeling you can’t really comprehend unless you’ve been through a similar experience. It has made me extra vigilant this time around, double checking everything, counting my kick sessions religiously and just analysing every day as it comes. My thoughts above were very much to do with a fear of planning ahead and a fear of the unknown – I didn’t want to plan and connecting with this pregnancy has been very difficult.

How then, at 32 weeks, did I manage to get a full nursery sorted, have a baby shower and let everyone know about the pregnancy early on? What gave me that strength? All I can think is that as time went on, I got more confident about each milestone. I got to 12 weeks, then the 20 week scan, then viability at 24 weeks, now I see people due at the same time as me having their babies and the babies thriving. I decided if I didn’t celebrate my pregnancy and my baby then when she arrives I would regret having spent the last 9 months in fear. You can’t ever guarantee what’s going to happen in a pregnancy until that baby is in your arms so every lady who buys something or has a baby shower or tells someone is taking the same leap of faith and if others can do it then why shouldn’t I?

For many women who have been through previous loss, the subsequent pregnancy is really hard. Connecting or feeling that it is ‘real’ is difficult. For me, having things like the baby shower and the nursery are reminders to me that something real is happening and have helped me develop a bond with my baby that otherwise would have been difficult.

If you need support in your pregnancy following loss, speak to charities like Tommy’s who have helped me through and look out for local support groups – I’ve just set one up in Newcastle and North Tyneside through NCT. You’re not alone!

Recovery and having the courage to try again

Pregnancy loss can leave you feeling shocked, vulnerable and alone. There’s the physical aftermath and then there’s the mental – which takes a lot longer to recover from.

I remember feeling scared when I found out as I didn’t know what came next, or how my body would react. A very low number of pregnancies end in the way that mine did, where my body gave no signs that things were amiss. How do you recover from something like that?

1) Support from family and friends.

Support is important, but in this day and age as early miscarriage is not talked about very much, the right support can be difficult to get. Open up to those around you that you feel comfortable with and they might just surprise you.

No matter what choice you make, whether it be medical management or surgery, having the support of others will be really helpful in your physical recover as you won’t feel up to doing anything physical for a while.

2) Support from professionals.
Not just the medical team, but professionals could be therapists/counsellors. The wait for NHS therapy was far too long for me to even comprehend when I needed it most, so I went private. She made me realise one very important thing:

3) Allow yourself time to grieve.

I felt as though I had no right to grieve, as my baby was not physically here. I didn’t even realise that I needed to grieve. The truth is that it’s a loss, no matter how you look at it. Baby was a part of you, no matter how short the time was and you need to grieve.

4. Allow yourself to do silly little things to make you feel better.

Retail therapy, watching a movie, having a bubble bath! Whatever it is, if it makes you feel better then do it! The weirdest thing we did for a while was build a bedroom downstairs in the living room – don’t ask what the logic was. For some reason being in a different environment helped me in my recovery and it may help you – maybe it was the step away from reality for a short time.

5. Do something to remember.

Thanks to a lovely charity, most hospitals now give lovely memory boxes, no matter when your loss occurred. This is so important as it gives significance to your baby. We built a memorial in our garden too which felt like the closure we very much needed, but that’s not for everyone. Do what’s right for you.

So…after all of that… just how do you pluck up the courage to try again?

It’s not easy! For a while you may feel there’s no point or it’s just too hard. Time really heals in this instance – give yourselves time together to recover and enjoy each other’s company before thinking about trying again. Some of you might be super keen to try again as you miss being pregnant – I was just like that! Felt like I needed to fill a void. It was important to not put too much pressure on ourselves after what we had been through. Stats helped somewhat – being told my likelihood of another missed miscarriage was super low helped a little but didn’t stop me feeling nervous when I fell pregnant again. If you need fertility treatment like I did, you’ll need the strength for it. The most important thing is to know when you are ready, look after your physical and mental health and everything else will fall into place.

Top tips for getting through a rainbow pregnancy

Are you pregnant with your rainbow baby?

Pregnancy after loss can be really tough and personally I found there was not enough support in place. These are the things I have done to help my journey through so far:

1) Treat myself at the end of every week leading up to the 12th week.

The first 12 weeks were the toughest as we lost our last baby at 8 weeks and most miscarriages happen before 12 weeks. I treated myself every week – nothing crazy expensive but maybe one week getting my nails done, week after buy some nice home spa things etc. It helped give myself something to look forward to and focus on each week.

2) Private scans.

Not everyone’s cup of tea I appreciate that. In fact I was so against them after our first pregnancy heartbreaking experience. However, I found a lovely team at a clinic who made me feel much more at ease than the last clinic. I had 2 private scans before 12 weeks and they did keep me sane. If you can afford it, go for it, but find a sensitive clinic team who will support you through anything.

3) Counselling.

Sometimes you just need to talk to someone. I found a donation based counselling service so I could get affordable therapy. There’s no shame in seeking help and it made me feel tons better.

4) Pregnancy yoga.

Taking time out for me and baby each week was amazing and also helped with some of the physical discomforts during pregnancy.

5) Time off work.

When you feel anxious and low, you only need one thing to focus on and for me that’s my baby. Taking holidays periodically really helped break up the time and gave me important relaxation time.

6) Accept that some things are just out of your control.

This one was difficult for me but my husband and I used to say ‘it can end well or it can end badly and we have no control over that.’ We always want so much to control everything and know everything. Even now at almost 25 weeks, I don’t know everything but I am learning to accept that I am not in control and when those ‘what if’ fears pop into my head, I train myself to distract my mind, as giving those thoughts the time of day won’t help anyone.

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com