Postnatal – when it’s your last planned child

I’m sitting here now with my 18 day old baby on my chest and my 2 year old watching Christmas songs on the TV. My husband’s cooking dinner, we are all nice and relaxed and I’m a bit sleep deprived but I’m doing okay.

What I really wanted to talk about in this piece was the raw feeling and grief of the postnatal period – when you know it’s your last planned child. The pregnancy we just had was so full of anxiety (and of course so was Willow’s – all part of pregnancy after a loss). Lots of people will understand when you’re pregnant after loss it’s hard to find true enjoyment in the pregnancy. Then when you’ve had the baby it’s a mix of relief that it’s all over and also sadness that it’s all over.

We aren’t planning any more children now – I’ve always wanted 2 and I am so incredibly lucky to have my 2. However – this is a huge milestone in life when you realise you won’t have anymore pregnancies. It’s a mix of feelings – no more worrying about trying for a baby and whether it will happen or not, no more horrendous anxiety over something going wrong in pregnancy or losing another baby. At the same time – no more fetal kicks, no more pregnancy bump, no more feeling that bond with an unborn baby and no more labour (which for some might be a welcome thing!) I remember in the thick of labour saying to myself ‘never again!!’ and then afterwards feeling sad that was my last labour – how conflicting!

My bump has gone now pretty much (apart from the flabby pouch that’s left on me) but I remember feeling sad at a few different points:

1. When the midwife told me my womb was back down to normal pre-pregnancy size.
2. When I could visibly see I no longer had a bump.
3. When I got discharged from Midwifery services.

It sort of hits you at those points – wow I’m not pregnant anymore and (if this is your last child like it is ours)- I won’t be pregnant again. That bit of life is done. It’s really sad! From speaking to others I’ve realised it’s a normal form of grief to have. I can imagine other points it’ll hit too – when I stop breastfeeding, when my hair starts falling out etc!!

Of course I now look forward to watching my girls grow up together and all the memories we will all make as a family. I look forward to whatever the future has in store for me career wise. I do also feel the sadness of leaving behind a huge part of life (pregnancy) but time to move on to the next exciting chapter.

Who else has had the same feelings when they’ve had their last child?

What birth plan?

My husband and I have been preparing for 9 months for this baby – and we have been super prepared this time. We have both had a pretty rough pregnancy journey as we found out just before the lockdown in March – and if affected lots of things and meant he couldn’t come to the 12 week scan or any of my routine antenatal appointments like he normally would. He ended up in a mental health crisis and these factors really contributed to that – he felt very excluded by maternity services in general and for some time I also believed they just really saw partners as a bonus. One thing for certain though after our birth experience just gone – he was absolutely essential and not a bonus.

Our first daughter was born by induction at 37 weeks. It was actually an amazing and beautiful experience – and we both felt in control too. One pessary, waters were broken after 6 hours. Epidural was given and we had a 13 hour active labour full of laughter, restful periods and oxytocin (natural, not by drip). For my mental health, being induced was amazing because I have several fears around spontaneous labour – pain management being one of them and not being taken seriously, or someone judging it wrong and telling me to stay at home for too long etc. Control for me is SO important and for mental health reasons we opted for an induction with this baby at 39 weeks.

I felt great because we had a plan in place. We planned so much – what snacks to take in, how much clothing, we did hypnobirthing and planned playlists. I made an oxytocin vision board, we had lights packed etc. The Consultant threw me an option before my planned induction – ‘do you want a sweep at 38 weeks just to possibly help get things started?’

I’d never had a sweep before but after reading I realised it could actually kick start spontaneous labour and I just wasn’t sure because of all my anxieties and fears. My husband and I spoke about it and we decided to say yes, more as we knew it might help shorten the induction process the week after. I was a bit curious I guess incase it did put me into natural labour but I honestly didn’t think it would with me being only just shy of 38 weeks. Still, we made plans incase it did – plans for childcare, plans for pain management and mental health. I went into detail with my perinatal nurse about fears around being sent home from hospital or not being given pain relief and we wrote a detailed plan which I stuck in the front of my antenatal notes. The main aim was to help me feel as in control of the situation as possible and this in turn would help with my anxiety.

Let’s fast forward now to 11th November when I had my sweep with my (amazing) Community Midwife. I had my husband on speaker phone during which some people may think is strange but it helped me relax during the procedure and I was so glad he could be with me in some way. The sweep happened at around 3pm and I went home and cracked on with my afternoon doing Diwali crafts with my toddler whilst watching TV and feeling generally pretty relaxed. I’d been getting a few on and off pains for a few days but nothing regular at all – at my sweep I found out I was 2cm dilated and cervix completely soft and 75% effaced so I sort of thought yeah perhaps something might happen in the next few days but didn’t think much of it. I got on my birthing ball and at around 4:30pm I felt a contraction – again nothing major really but I knew it was there so sort of kept an eye on it. By around 5:45pm I noticed the contractions started happening a little more frequently, but I was okay and the pain was ok. I called the maternity unit just to let them know though what I was experiencing and we agreed it was probably the early start of things but I was feeling okay so agreed staying home was the right thing to do. At this point I didn’t think anything was going to progress further that evening and my husband made us some home made pizza. I stayed on my birthing ball and played with my toddler – at about 7:15pm there was a definite pattern to my contractions – and they were more frequent, but I was still coping okay with the pain so I called up to let them know the progress but also to say I was doing okay at the moment. We did decide to start our childcare plans though as things were clearly progressing. I started to have some stronger and longer contractions and my husband ran me a bath which was fab. He rubbed my back and talked me through my breathing with the contractions and we worked through our hypnobirthing techniques. There was a period of time when I was on my own at home because my husband was sorting childcare etc and things ramped up quite a lot – which was scary on my own. Still I did well to stay in control and to not immediately travel in to hospital as I knew I was probably still a tiny bit too early.

At 8:35pm I called the unit again and I was really distressed at this point – the pain was no longer manageable at home for me and I knew I’d reached that point I’d been scared about forever. They told me to come in though which was one hurdle out of the way. At around 9pm we made our journey in (which was really uncomfortable for me as I was contracting every 4-5 minutes and starting to vocalise at this point too).

We got to the unit at around 9:30pm and I was really in a lot of pain by that time. I went in to have an examination- just to note I am fine with examinations but it did feel like a not very optional process but for me that was okay. I wanted to know what was going on. I was found to be 3-4cm so just on the cusp of what you’d call ‘established labour.’ I knew my body though and recognised in myself the signs and the pains that I was really starting my established labour. I was in a lot of pain and humming and moaning through – I needed the toilet but couldn’t go because I was in so much pain. I asked for some gas and air because I really wasn’t coping (and I’d coped so well up to that point). Thinking I was in hospital around safety and pain relief if I needed it, I felt like I was in control. That was until I was denied gas and air. I asked several times, visibly showing how much pain I was in, but because my examination had come back 3-4 and not 4+ I was told it was against policy. I fell apart at that point. She said she would try and get me some paracetamol but the doctors were busy. The gas and air was in the room. I went to the toilet and collapsed in pain to the floor on all fours crying my eyes out. My husband got the midwife back and again I begged and begged for some gas and air – I felt totally out of control and my fears and anxieties were coming true. I was denied gas and air for half an hour (that’s long if you’re contracting strong every 3-5 minutes). I remember saying to my husband I was going to die – I wasn’t being dramatic, that’s honestly how I felt with no pain relief. She came back with some paracetamol which I knew at that point wasn’t even going to touch the pain. I was given gas and air in the end after demanding and advocating for my individual needs, but was reminded it was against policy. I can’t even explain the relief I felt with that gas and air helping me through my contractions. I was hooked up to the CTG – I was told it wouldn’t be for long maybe 20 mins and then I could move around but I think I was hooked up for almost 2 hours, but at that point I was in so much pain I just had to focus on the gas and air and breathing so I didn’t worry about the time passing and being hooked on the machine.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur for me as I was on gas and air but I do remember bits. At about 11pm I was examined again and found to be 5cm so they called the birthing centre to come and get me. Luckily they didn’t make me move from my bed to transfer me – I don’t know how I would have managed that. I was so out of it as well – my husband was doing amazing supporting me and massaging my lower back whilst allowing me to squeeze his hand through every contraction (and they were coming quick at this point). I don’t remember the journey to the birthing centre but I remember the voices around me. I remember my midwife talking calmly to me and remember hearing my husband. All I could focus on was that I was now in the area of the hospital where I could get my epidural so I kept saying I wanted my epidural. All that had got me through to 5cm was the knowledge that soon I wouldn’t feel a thing as I’d have my epidural. They gave me a canular and took my bloods for the epidural but I also remember my midwife calmly telling me sometimes Babies beat us to it but they’d try and get my epidural because I really want it. I thought I was hours away from birth so I was absolutely convinced I’d be getting it.

Little did I know I was actually fully dilated less than 1 hour later and my waters broke. Again I was still certain I’d be getting my epidural so just remained focused on that. Now – I was on an epidural with my last daughter so I don’t remember what it feels like properly to push or labour – so didn’t recognise what was going on. However I was getting a lot of pressure and my husband helped me and told me they will try to get the epidural but I’m really close now. Something just switched in me at that point and I became accepting of the situation (although still not with it on the gas and air) and my body just took over. I reached depths of myself I never knew existed and I felt like a different person. My husband was in my ear motivating me every second of the way. This was not our plan but we had to work with it. 12 minutes after my waters broke, our little girl was born – all on gas and air.

I had immediate skin to skin but it took me a long time to process what had just happened as it happened so fast. I dilated 5cm in under an hour – I didn’t even know that was possible. I felt in shock for a good length of time after birth so rather than immediately enjoying our new baby girl I was just trying to work out what was going on. In my plan I’d wanted to feed almost immediately but I think it was a good hour or so before I did – mostly because I was still in shock. She had a great first feed and actually slept a lot after that – and we were left to it as a family which was nice and my husband was given his bed etc. Although our daughter was sleeping wonderfully and id been awake nearly 24 hours, I couldn’t sleep. I was wired and also traumatised by the evening’s events – particularly the start and all the pain and being denied the gas and air. The memories plagued me all night and I couldn’t shift them. When my midwife came back to see me in the room, I told her how I was feeling and she sat down with me and we talked in great length at least about what happened with the birth because I was so out of it on gas and air and I felt so out of control – I can’t thank her enough for talking me through what had happened and helping me to process it. She didn’t have to do that but she made time for me and she was absolutely amazing.

We went home lunch time that day after a few good feeds and it was nice to be able to get home. I’d had no complications compared to my first daughter’s birth when I’d had blood transfusions, lots of blood loss etc and I had to stay in. It was nice to just be able to go home. I’ve had time to process things – and I’m totally not okay with how I was treated at the start, which I’m dealing with. Regarding the quick and unmedicated birth, I have managed to shift my mindset now to ‘wow – I actually did that’ rather than shock and upset about the lack of control. I never in a million years thought I could give birth without medication – honestly I’m the sort of person who would never consider a home birth or water birth for that reason. I’m astonished at myself and the human body and my husband can’t stop seeing me as his hero now. Although I still feel traumatised by the overall experience, there are some good things I can take from parts of what happened and I can take away a knowledge that my body and mind are powerful enough to take over when I need them to.

I have to thank my husband who has been the best birth partner in the world. We were both shocked by everything that happened but he remained calm and in control for me and hand on heart I can say he was a huge part of what got me through that night.

What it’s like for me being pregnant in a pandemic.

I’ve been wanting to blog again for a while and have chosen to talk about what it’s like for me being pregnant during a pandemic. This is about my experience and these are my views – a lot of work I do is in maternity, advocating for others and allowing them to share their stories, but the experiences I write about here are purely how the journey feels for me as a pregnant woman during the pandemic.

I found out I was pregnant just before lockdown, which was really welcome news for us. Firstly – we were fully expecting to need to use Clomid again to fall pregnant, or at least need it to fall pregnant and stay pregnant as our last natural pregnancy ended in missed miscarriage. When I started heaving a bit that morning I think I just knew, although I’m a serial symptom spotter so I was still doubtful before taking the test! It confirmed it though – we were pregnant again!

So began another anxious pregnancy journey. Already had in my head what happened last time we conceived naturally so I was frightened from day 1 and so was my husband. Our private scan clinic was closed so that option was out of the window for reassurance. 5 weeks in the sickness started – positive sign, but I never take anything for granted. The sickness didn’t just start…it was the start of what I’m pretty sure is some form of Hyperemesis. The sickness and nausea has been on another level this pregnancy! I got to around 6/7 weeks and called my doctor pleading for some help which is when I started Cyclizine. I had my booking appointment over the phone due to everything going on with Covid, so it was a lot earlier than normal and I was only 6 weeks. It was strange, but it was the midwife who cared for me in my loss and with Willow so that felt really comforting. She also referred me straight to perinatal mental health – who have been amazing for me. At some point between weeks 7 and 9 I was in some sort of state of hallucination, bed bound, unable to get upstairs without my husband’s help and very unwell and shaky. I had got dehydrated as even with the tablets the nausea was SO bad I could barely drink anything. Luckily things settled a little after that. During all of this I had Willow to think about too and I was constantly scared she didn’t like me anymore because I couldn’t do anything – there was a full day I didn’t even make it downstairs!! I literally sat and wondered what have I done – is this good for her? Have I ruined our relationship? My husband was a star throughout this whole time but he was burnt out and dealing with so much too, with the anxiety of the pregnancy on top.

It has been strange during the pandemic – as I said my booking was over the phone. However when I had my booking bloods taken 2 weeks later I had a different midwife as things had changed again regarding Covid. It’s not that the midwife wasn’t lovely, but she wasn’t my midwife who knew me well and my history well and that really impacted on me. Also there had been such confusion in communication from my doctors surgery and my appointment had been moved to earlier in the day but I hadn’t received the message and because I was such an anxious state anyway I ended up having a bit of a breakdown because I had been building up to every appointment so far as a way of trying to cope.
The perinatal mental health team have been a really good source of support for me. I had weekly contact with them and the consistency in an unpredictable world was welcome.

Fast forward a few weeks. Still in lockdown – which was starting to take its toll on all of us. It feels scary because people are dying and it’s so unpredictable and I’m pregnant, but at the same time I wasn’t coping well with the lack of freedom and ability to just go shopping with my family – basic things we all took for granted before. Let’s add something new to the mix – we find out research shows BAME people are disproportionately affected by Covid-19 and pregnant BAME people may be more at risk. We also know that BAME women are more likely to die due to pregnancy complications/childbirth complications. I know a lot from the work I do, but personally – I stop and think. I’m Indian – bought up in a very Westernised world but I am Indian. I am also pregnant. This is scary! Facing the constant news and information that BAME people are at higher risk – yes – that is me. I became paranoid about things like using the toilet at hospital for my urine sample and using the lift. It’s actually quite worrying and I’m worried for my family too, as my dad is a key worker. I’ve seen there’s guidance to ‘seek help early’ for BAME pregnant women but I’m not even sure what this means – what help will there be? I am so used to advocating for others and ensuring everyone has what they need to be happy and feel comfortable, but when it comes to me I sometimes feel I don’t have the strength and wish someone could advocate for me. So that all feels a little scary and uneasy when I really think about it.

I went for my dating scan on 11th May, one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done, both for me and my husband. My husband couldn’t go due to restrictions – which has impacted on his mental health and attachment and for me not having him there for our first scan given what we’ve been through before was difficult beyond words. The sonographer was great and had me in on time and took her time with the scan which was great, but still ultimately I was shaking the whole way through and instead of fond memories the whole thing is a bit of a blur to me. So grateful baby is healthy though.

I’m now 12+4 and the nausea is still very much there and I’m still on medication. The 12-20 week journey is always tricky too – I think personally I’ll struggle without any face to face contact until 20 weeks. My 16 week appointment will be over the phone – it’s usually just a check in anyway but no option now to hear the heart beat if I’m feeling anxious, which is difficult (incase it wasn’t clear how anxious pregnancy makes me!). Pregnancy is the most magical thing you can go through and such a special time and experience – I won’t lie that the pandemic has tainted some of this magic for me and I know the journey won’t be ‘normal’ – although I know I’ll be cared for and my maternity team are always there, it still feels very different to normal and actually a little lonely!

That’s an insight to how being pregnant in a pandemic has been for me so far. I really can’t wait for the day we see the back of this virus and also hope there is some restoration of ‘normality’ by November when I give birth to this little one!

 

Let’s Talk Cycles

No – I’m not talking about the ones in the picture. I’m talking about monthly menstrual cycles of course!

It’s been some time since I last blogged. There has been a lot going on with my now REGISTERED CHARITY! However, turning my attention back to what Shhh1991 is all about.

I have Polycystic Ovaries. The condition really affects my ability to ovulate, or if I do ovulate it’s often late around day 30+ and my cycles are long. Before Willow was born, I was having cycles of 80-100 days and then when my period started I had to be medicated for it to stop as it just wouldn’t stop. I had Willow with help from a drug called Clomid.

My cycles started again in January last year – consistently throughout the year they’ve been between 37 and 42 days long so no where near as long as before. I’m also convinced I ovulate each time, but late – which brings up a host of new anxieties if we were to fall pregnant again(conceived naturally first time on a CD31 Ovulation and resulted in missed miscarriage). I’m terrified of this happening again if I fall pregnant on the back of a late ovulation. There is no science to prove this is even a thing, but psychologically it’s how I feel.

I have a child now – so surely it doesn’t matter anymore? Well don’t get me wrong – I am 100% grateful for my little miracle. I do want 2 children though. I do know I will go on this journey of anxiety, frustration and uncertainty again – to what extent compared to when we were trying to have Willow? I’m not sure.

I consumed a lot of sugar over Christmas and found that actually my November/December cycle was the longest one yet (since Willow was born). I’m trying to cut back my sugar this month to see if it brings forward my ovulation- it’s an experiment and we will see how it goes. We are not actively trying to have another baby right now, but I feel like I need to get a head start on keeping my cycles healthy and in shape as much as possible. PCOS – I hate it. I have to live with it and work with it though.

Being Mum

Willow just turned 10 months old! I can’t believe it. They say time flies by and I always brushed it off, but it’s true and in 2 months time I will have a 1 year old daughter!

This is going to be perhaps the most in depth and the longest blog post that I’ve written and it’s going to be all about being mum. From the very start to now – a real true account of the feelings, the experiences and things I just know people will relate to.

It isn’t going to be a blog post full of ‘this is the best thing ever’ comments. Willow is the best thing to ever happen to me and being a mum is absolutely amazing, but very few things change a human being and I believe becoming a parent is one of them – and the changes aren’t always pretty! Nevertheless, I’d do it over and over for Willow.

Labour 

For me, labour was great. I was induced at 37 weeks, I took an epidural and I was attached to a monitor the whole time, but I enjoyed the experience. For me I was just so grateful to be experiencing labour. Pregnancy after loss is never easy and I didn’t think I’d ever even make it to labour – so yes for me I loved it! There were some hard moments though. Mainly the one where the CTG started to pick up on decelerations and I said to the doctor ‘I don’t want my baby to die.’ They looked at me puzzled of course – what a thing to say. However, it’s a very real fear when you’ve had previous loss. Therefore although I enjoyed being in labour, it was quite scary and I just couldn’t wait for her to be born and to hear her crying – which I did when she was half way out – she certainly had a pair of lungs on her!

0-3 Months

These were some of my thoughts:

This is the most amazing thing in the world, but why did no one tell me feeding was going to be so hard? I love breastfeeding and I’m scared if I stop my bond won’t be as strong anymore. I’m scared I’ll be judged if I stop too early. Why don’t I have much milk coming in? I’m only expressing 5ml at a time – oh wow a random 15ml – that’s an achievement! This is really hard – I haven’t got anyone to turn to for support. I really want to keep going with the feeding but it’s just so hard. I’ll just keep doing what I can and topping up with formula – people put doubt in my head – is she even getting any milk from me? Should I be putting her through this? Should I just bottle feed her completely? Are people getting frustrated with me? I’m also in a lot of pain at this point – I had lots of shrinking pains and cramps after Willow was born. She was also unfortunately unwell with jaundice at the start and then a UTI so we were in and out of hospital.

Sleep – I didn’t even realise how much we require this basic need. Why doesn’t my baby sleep? Oh no – she only sleeps downstairs in the bouncy chair – she hates the Moses basket! Aren’t babies supposed to love the Moses basket? What’s this magical thing called white noise? I remember one night, we had to take it in shifts to sleep so one of us was always watching Willow because she just would not sleep. My husband came downstairs and I had white noise on the TV, my phone AND the laptop. He must have looked at me and seen a crazy lady! However – Willow was asleep!!! So people tell you ‘you won’t get much sleep!’ – it’s actually true. When I think about it though, she’s just been pulled out of a nice, warm safe space inside the womb and now she’s out in the world and has no clue what’s going on. She has no idea what night and day is. Things that we take for granted she still has to learn. At the time though, it was so hard and you just don’t even realise how hard it is to cope on very little sleep. She also fed every 1-2 hours.

Cutting baby nails is very scary! Why did no one warn me? Also she’s making some WEIRD noises when she’s asleep – why is she so noisy? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? She also hates bath time.

0-3 months in general was a bit of a blur. She was such a cute newborn and I felt myself falling in love with her more and more every day. However, when people said ‘enjoy the newborn stage’ it couldn’t have been further from the truth for me as it was very difficult. My husband had to work a lot and the feeding, pumping, changing cycle every 3 hours was not easy. I started to settle for a biscuit in the morning, as long as she was properly fed. Things like hair straighteners weren’t even a thing for me anymore – where do you find the time? The transition to becoming a mum really hits you at this stage. I loved being a mum, but found the transition to a new identity quite challenging.

3-6 months

Things are starting to settle now – I am finding myself getting into a bit more of a routine. Oh wait – what just happened. 4 month sleep regression? Developmental leaps? Better check the Wonder Weeks app to find out what’s going on! Things are getting a bit easier now though as she’s more interactive and she’s smiling and I’m totally feeling the love from her. I switched to bottle feeding at around 2.5 months just because unfortunately I didn’t have the support to continue combination feeding. Willow just kept growing and blooming from then so I must have made the right decision for us at the time. Sleep was still a challenge and she was up many times in the night. At this stage we were beginning to settle into a routine and I think that’s why I started to enjoy things a bit more because for me I like to have some sort of structure in place – the newborn phase was no time for structure! I spent a lot of time playing different sensory games and doing themed play at 3-6 months with Willow and absolutely loved it. It was around 4-5 months when I was discharged from the Perinatal Mental Health team – who by the way were amazing. I was under their care due to extreme anxiety at the end of my pregnancy and they really helped me adjust to motherhood. Being discharged was a huge milestone for us but I’m so grateful for the care we received from the nursery nurse who came to see us at home and the groups we used to attend. We started things like baby massage at 3-6 months too. This period of time for me was probably the time when I looked at myself and I was a bit like ‘well I’m either going to lose the bump pouch or I’m stuck with it’ – when is it too late to blame it on ‘I’ve just had a baby!’. Also I really accepted my new role as mum and realised everything was for Willow and she comes first. It’s the things like – there’s a bit of vomit on my top – is it noticeable? No – I’ll just keep it on! Dry shampoo is a life saver – how many days can I use it without people asking questions? Do I REALLY have time to put my make up on when going out today? I need to leave at least 2 hours before leaving the house if I’m going to actually get to my destination on time. I didn’t really care about anything as long as she was happy, well fed, well dressed etc.

6-9 Months

Just when you’re in the swing of things with the milk feeds and the sleep starts to begin to go okay (for some people) and you sort of have it all figured out – weaning? Really? Where do I even start – baby led? Traditional weaning? Are purees still okay these days? When do they need to get lumpier? What if she chokes? Literally Willow ‘choked’ (gagged) on Calpol at about 5 months and I ended up in A and E in tears. Weaning was a very scary thought for me and what’s totally scary is that this is the time she learns to eat – which is a major thing in her life – what happens if I don’t do it right? Will people judge me for using ready made pouches? What’s the correct milk to food ratio? Is she getting enough? Can she eat fish? Eggs? What happens if she has an allergic reaction?

I’m thankful that Willow took to weaning like a duck to water. She was very simple to wean and actually now eats pretty much everything without me needing to mush or blend. I did a bit of both baby led and traditional but most of the time I’ll be honest I was winging it.

Other challenges present themselves at this stage, but for me I absolutely LOVE 6-9 months. She started to sit up, learning to crawl (she’s still learning – she still caterpillar shuffles). You start to worry ‘is she rolling at the right time?’ ‘will she learn to do this?’ ‘why is so and so’s baby doing this and she’s not?’. It’s the time when you have to learn to accept every baby is different and you can’t compare otherwise you’ll drive yourself mad. The poops are pretty horrific when you start weaning – but it’s just the smell really! I am very fortunate that Willow started sleeping through from about 6 months old so I started to have my sleep back. We also started putting her to bed with the monitor and she went into her own room at 6 months. That was tough and I spent the first night glued to the monitor. She was fine though and actually slept so much better without me in the room with her!! I started to claw back some of my identity at 6-9 months. I started picking up things with my volunteering activities, I actually find time (sometimes) to put some make up on! The hairdryer and hair straighteners are still abandoned for now though.

She’s 10 months old now and I can’t imagine life without her. I think about how far we have come. We started with her sleeping only downstairs, in her bouncy chair, scaring us half to death because they’re not supposed to sleep in bouncy chairs. She then moved into her cot but would only spend half of the night in the cot. I loved being next to her though, even if she was noisy. Now she sleeps through the night, in her own room and i’m like ‘where did the time go?’ and ‘this isn’t so bad – maybe we could have another one.’ I think it gets to the stage where you sort of repress how difficult it was at the start and you feel like you can totally do it all again! Not just yet though 🙂

Totally love being a mum but I will be honest on behalf of mums everywhere – it is a life changing and sometimes really difficult and lonely experience – but the absolute best kind. It’s the best kind of difficult. One thing I’ve learnt though, as I struggled with guilt for struggling at the start – it’s okay to struggle! I felt guilty at the start because I felt due to my previous loss and the struggles we had with having a baby that I should be constantly elated, happy and never finding anything a struggle. So when I had her and things were a bit of a shock to the system, I did feel guilty. I learnt though that I didn’t need to feel guilty and it’s totally okay to find it hard – because it is hard, but it’s also beautiful.

 

Infertility is not a joke!

You wouldn’t make a joke about a disability, or pretend to have an illness. It just doesn’t happen because people understand that others can get offended.

When people make fake pregnancy announcements on April Fools’ Day as some sort of joke, they don’t seem to realise the harm they are causing. Whilst it’s not a direct insult or offence to those who struggle to conceive or have lost a baby, I can vouch for everyone who struggles with conceiving when I say that seeing someone announce a pregnancy in public can hurt. To find out it was all just a joke can feel even worse!

Let’s just go back to the stats for a minute. Around 3.5 million people in the UK struggle with infertility and around 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage. For the people who have been affected by infertility or baby loss, the April Fool’s Day post from Justin Bieber showing a sonogram which wasn’t real was extremely insensitive. There are people who can only dream to be able to announce their pregnancy – infertility is not a joke.

Of course, Justin received a lot of back lash for it and he wrote an ‘apology‘. He mentioned how there would always be people who take offence – yes there always will be and that’s why when you are such a big figure in the public eye you should be careful what you post and joke about as you are setting an example. It’s simple – if it might be offensive then think about what you do before you do it.

We need to use this incident as a reason to raise more awareness of infertility. Clearly there are still people out there who are unaware of people’s struggles and this is because it has remained taboo for so long. My blog aims to raise awareness and break the silence and I fully support the work of Fertility Network UK who give people with infertility a voice.

Let’s all campaign and make sure everyone knows that #InfertilityIsNotAJoke

Willow’s Rainbow Box

I’ve been very busy!

So in March I thought up the idea that I wanted to help women pregnant again after loss and I wanted to do this by giving comfort boxes with items to help reduce anxiety. Back then it was just an idea, a thought. I usually come up with crazy ideas that don’t seem to pull through or have legs. I’m not the most confident person – I suffer anxiety and sometimes I lack self belief so I just don’t pursue things.

This was different though. I have so much passion for this. My pregnancy with Willow was so tough on me and it’s because of my previous loss, constantly nagging me in my head. I decided I just had to give this a go and went along to see an advisor. I then had to find a team of people – another stumbling block. So I always worry about things like this – it’s sort of like when you’re a bit worried about organising a party as you worry people might not come along. I worried I wouldn’t find a group of people as passionate as I am, but the fact was I can’t make a charity on my own.

After reaching out on Social Media, I found my 6 Trustees that have joined me in creating Willow’s Rainbow Box. 6 people who wanted to make this project happen. After that I really had to stop and go – wow this is actually happening!

Fast forward to now, we have held our first AGM, created and signed a constitution. I have had meetings with midwives and other professionals. We have created a Twitter presence with #RainbowBabyHour. When I think about it I am amazed how my one idea back in March has turned into this amazing project.

It’s amazing, yes, but it also makes me sad that I was ever in the situation that led me to this idea. Not being pregnant with Willow, but the fact it was a pregnancy after loss. I think about this project and I think I am giving my lost baby a legacy. I’m giving willow a legacy as my rainbow baby, my ray of hope and I’m giving my lost baby a legacy as without them my Organisation wouldn’t exist. I feel like I’m part of something so big – helping to raise awareness and get people talking about baby loss.

I am so excited for the future of Willow’s Rainbow Box. I have chosen to not return to the working world until Willow is older, but I am in no way not working – this project is my full time job now, as well as looking after Willow. I feel so lucky to be able to do this. I never thought I wouldn’t go back to work – but the opportunity to create something new in the world that helps people and to be able to be with my daughter in the early years makes me incredibly happy.

World Maternal Mental Health Day 2019

This week is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Week and today marks Maternal Mental Health Day. Lots of organisations are coming together and celebrating this day in different ways. My blog today is about the impact of pregnancy after loss on mental health both during and after the pregnancy.

As soon as you receive the positive test – for those who haven’t experienced loss, the feelings may be of elation and joy. For those getting a positive test after they’ve had a loss, it may also conjure up feelings of anxiety and fear. For me it definitely did – for me it was a ‘here we go again’ situation where I was just filled with dread up until the 12 week scan.

I was so anxious that I was going to have another loss. There was no one to turn to – doctors brushed things off saying ‘1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss. It’s unlikely to happen again’. The fears were still real for me though and I found it hard to relax.

It’s not just me. There are so many women in the world feeling like that too – pregnancy loss leaves you feeling sceptical, uncertain and scared for the future. It’s not really something most people can accept and move on from so easily. It affects your perception of things if you fall pregnant again. For example, my initial responses were ‘I’m not buying anything for the baby until I’m in labour’ and ‘I’m never having a baby shower.’ I did go on to have a baby shower and buy things but this was due to counselling services I used (private) and general relaxation techniques, as well as writing and talking over and over again about things to just about anyone who would listen. I paid for several private scans too – never a guarantee everything was okay but it made me feel better in that moment.

As soon as I fell pregnant again, I was treated like any other pregnancy – but it didn’t feel like any other pregnancy and I wish more support had been given antenatally from an early stage to help with anxiety as I really feel it’s needed.

Having a newborn baby is hard – no one can claim it’s easy no matter who you are! However, when you’ve had a previous loss, feeling that it is hard or you’re struggling can also make you feel incredibly guilty – you should be grateful right? You shouldn’t feel any struggles. It doesn’t quite work that way and many women struggle with the guilt aspect postnatally. This is where perinatal mental health teams are so brilliant – they are fully focused on mental health issues that arise in and after pregnancy. Services are stretched though but the world needs more services like these! The main message is that it is okay to find things hard – it doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful for your baby. Everyone finds difficulties when they’ve just had a baby.

The organisation I’ve set up aims to help reduce anxiety in women pregnant again after loss. I’m so passionate about this because had I had something like what my organisation will be doing, it would have really helped me. Okay so we can’t cure the anxiety, but we can help make things a little more bearable. It doesn’t matter when you lost your baby, whether you were 7 weeks pregnant or 40 weeks pregnant. A loss is a loss and any type of loss will affect a person.

Baby Movements are Critical

I’m writing this post in response to a story I’ve recently seen in the media, regarding a lady who has taken her employer to court as she has made an allegation that they made her wait until her lunch hour to go to the hospital when she became concerned about her baby’s movements. You can read the article here.

There’s a lot of debate over the actual story itself and whether she told her bosses exactly why she wanted to leave in the first place. These things do happen though so it’s not unheard of that she would have raised concerns and been told to wait due to business needs. However, it may have been the case that the bosses didn’t know the full story, in which case they didn’t realise how urgent her need was. My personal opinion is that someone in that situation would have spoken out about their need to leave straight away and if she didn’t leave straight away then something clearly stopped her.

I had concerns one day when I was at work due to baby movements. I spoke up about it and I was allowed to leave – I was actually given a lift to the hospital by a colleague. This is the right way to deal with a situation like this and all employers should respond in the same way. Pregnant women are already heavily protected by the law – businesses have a duty of care to pregnant employees and their unborn child.

The important thing to come of this though is a reminder to every pregnant woman and anyone in her care – movements matter. The charity Kicks Count makes this very clear – if you notice a change in your baby’s movements then get to the maternity assessment unit and get yourself monitored. Do this immediately, even if it’s the middle of the night! You never know a few hours earlier for this lady and her baby may have been delivered safely, although we don’t know the full extent of the circumstances. Had she left the office immediately, who knows what may have happened.

So here’s a plea to all pregnant women right now – if you notice a change in your baby’s pattern of movements, please go to the hospital right away. It doesn’t matter how often – the midwives would rather see you a million times and it all be okay than you not go in and something dreadful happens. Please can we keep campaigning for this so the message is clear to everyone including employers.

Neonatal Mental Health Awareness Week

I’ve been quiet lately as I’ve been so busy working on my new organisation to help women pregnant again after loss. Things are going great on that front and now I’ve decided not to return to work and to stay at home with my daughter and work on my organisation full time, I can really dedicate myself to the project.

I have met some amazing people already on my journey, but want to pay particular attention to Lottie King and the team at Leo’s Neonatal. They have managed to do something incredible and have established the first ever UK Neonatal Mental Health Awareness Week – which actually even reached Australia! I think this project that they have created is amazing and absolutely necessary.

When a couple are expecting a baby, they plan for so many things for the future. They plan for a pregnancy that should last around 40 weeks. Starting baby’s life in the NICU isn’t really what they had imagined and I don’t think anything out there can really have prepared them for that. I really thought about it – I did private antenatal classes and not once did they mention the NICU or what could be expected if it was necessary for baby to be admitted there. I was lucky I didn’t have to go through that, but if I did then I wouldn’t have been prepared.

The Neonatal Mental Health Awareness Week recognises that there is a need for better mental health support for parents and any family involved in a stay at the NICU. The team at Leo’s recently published results from a survey which really demonstrate how much more support is needed. Examples of the findings are ‘79% of parents admitted they felt that their mental health had been affected by the neonatal journey’ and ‘85% of mums and 70% of dads who experienced baby loss on the neonatal unit said they did not receive support around the trauma they faced’.

The survey findings are so important for implementing change in how people on the NICU are cared for emotionally. All of this week there will be new initiatives released to help improve care and people will be pledging to make a difference.

All of this was the work of a small team in Yarm who came together for one purpose – to help people through their NICU journey. If I can make as much of an impact on people’s Rainbow journey, I will be delighted!

Click here to visit Leo’s Neonatal website and find out more.