Willow just turned 10 months old! I can’t believe it. They say time flies by and I always brushed it off, but it’s true and in 2 months time I will have a 1 year old daughter!
This is going to be perhaps the most in depth and the longest blog post that I’ve written and it’s going to be all about being mum. From the very start to now – a real true account of the feelings, the experiences and things I just know people will relate to.
It isn’t going to be a blog post full of ‘this is the best thing ever’ comments. Willow is the best thing to ever happen to me and being a mum is absolutely amazing, but very few things change a human being and I believe becoming a parent is one of them – and the changes aren’t always pretty! Nevertheless, I’d do it over and over for Willow.
Labour
For me, labour was great. I was induced at 37 weeks, I took an epidural and I was attached to a monitor the whole time, but I enjoyed the experience. For me I was just so grateful to be experiencing labour. Pregnancy after loss is never easy and I didn’t think I’d ever even make it to labour – so yes for me I loved it! There were some hard moments though. Mainly the one where the CTG started to pick up on decelerations and I said to the doctor ‘I don’t want my baby to die.’ They looked at me puzzled of course – what a thing to say. However, it’s a very real fear when you’ve had previous loss. Therefore although I enjoyed being in labour, it was quite scary and I just couldn’t wait for her to be born and to hear her crying – which I did when she was half way out – she certainly had a pair of lungs on her!
0-3 Months
These were some of my thoughts:
This is the most amazing thing in the world, but why did no one tell me feeding was going to be so hard? I love breastfeeding and I’m scared if I stop my bond won’t be as strong anymore. I’m scared I’ll be judged if I stop too early. Why don’t I have much milk coming in? I’m only expressing 5ml at a time – oh wow a random 15ml – that’s an achievement! This is really hard – I haven’t got anyone to turn to for support. I really want to keep going with the feeding but it’s just so hard. I’ll just keep doing what I can and topping up with formula – people put doubt in my head – is she even getting any milk from me? Should I be putting her through this? Should I just bottle feed her completely? Are people getting frustrated with me? I’m also in a lot of pain at this point – I had lots of shrinking pains and cramps after Willow was born. She was also unfortunately unwell with jaundice at the start and then a UTI so we were in and out of hospital.
Sleep – I didn’t even realise how much we require this basic need. Why doesn’t my baby sleep? Oh no – she only sleeps downstairs in the bouncy chair – she hates the Moses basket! Aren’t babies supposed to love the Moses basket? What’s this magical thing called white noise? I remember one night, we had to take it in shifts to sleep so one of us was always watching Willow because she just would not sleep. My husband came downstairs and I had white noise on the TV, my phone AND the laptop. He must have looked at me and seen a crazy lady! However – Willow was asleep!!! So people tell you ‘you won’t get much sleep!’ – it’s actually true. When I think about it though, she’s just been pulled out of a nice, warm safe space inside the womb and now she’s out in the world and has no clue what’s going on. She has no idea what night and day is. Things that we take for granted she still has to learn. At the time though, it was so hard and you just don’t even realise how hard it is to cope on very little sleep. She also fed every 1-2 hours.
Cutting baby nails is very scary! Why did no one warn me? Also she’s making some WEIRD noises when she’s asleep – why is she so noisy? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SLEEP? She also hates bath time.
0-3 months in general was a bit of a blur. She was such a cute newborn and I felt myself falling in love with her more and more every day. However, when people said ‘enjoy the newborn stage’ it couldn’t have been further from the truth for me as it was very difficult. My husband had to work a lot and the feeding, pumping, changing cycle every 3 hours was not easy. I started to settle for a biscuit in the morning, as long as she was properly fed. Things like hair straighteners weren’t even a thing for me anymore – where do you find the time? The transition to becoming a mum really hits you at this stage. I loved being a mum, but found the transition to a new identity quite challenging.
3-6 months
Things are starting to settle now – I am finding myself getting into a bit more of a routine. Oh wait – what just happened. 4 month sleep regression? Developmental leaps? Better check the Wonder Weeks app to find out what’s going on! Things are getting a bit easier now though as she’s more interactive and she’s smiling and I’m totally feeling the love from her. I switched to bottle feeding at around 2.5 months just because unfortunately I didn’t have the support to continue combination feeding. Willow just kept growing and blooming from then so I must have made the right decision for us at the time. Sleep was still a challenge and she was up many times in the night. At this stage we were beginning to settle into a routine and I think that’s why I started to enjoy things a bit more because for me I like to have some sort of structure in place – the newborn phase was no time for structure! I spent a lot of time playing different sensory games and doing themed play at 3-6 months with Willow and absolutely loved it. It was around 4-5 months when I was discharged from the Perinatal Mental Health team – who by the way were amazing. I was under their care due to extreme anxiety at the end of my pregnancy and they really helped me adjust to motherhood. Being discharged was a huge milestone for us but I’m so grateful for the care we received from the nursery nurse who came to see us at home and the groups we used to attend. We started things like baby massage at 3-6 months too. This period of time for me was probably the time when I looked at myself and I was a bit like ‘well I’m either going to lose the bump pouch or I’m stuck with it’ – when is it too late to blame it on ‘I’ve just had a baby!’. Also I really accepted my new role as mum and realised everything was for Willow and she comes first. It’s the things like – there’s a bit of vomit on my top – is it noticeable? No – I’ll just keep it on! Dry shampoo is a life saver – how many days can I use it without people asking questions? Do I REALLY have time to put my make up on when going out today? I need to leave at least 2 hours before leaving the house if I’m going to actually get to my destination on time. I didn’t really care about anything as long as she was happy, well fed, well dressed etc.
6-9 Months
Just when you’re in the swing of things with the milk feeds and the sleep starts to begin to go okay (for some people) and you sort of have it all figured out – weaning? Really? Where do I even start – baby led? Traditional weaning? Are purees still okay these days? When do they need to get lumpier? What if she chokes? Literally Willow ‘choked’ (gagged) on Calpol at about 5 months and I ended up in A and E in tears. Weaning was a very scary thought for me and what’s totally scary is that this is the time she learns to eat – which is a major thing in her life – what happens if I don’t do it right? Will people judge me for using ready made pouches? What’s the correct milk to food ratio? Is she getting enough? Can she eat fish? Eggs? What happens if she has an allergic reaction?
I’m thankful that Willow took to weaning like a duck to water. She was very simple to wean and actually now eats pretty much everything without me needing to mush or blend. I did a bit of both baby led and traditional but most of the time I’ll be honest I was winging it.
Other challenges present themselves at this stage, but for me I absolutely LOVE 6-9 months. She started to sit up, learning to crawl (she’s still learning – she still caterpillar shuffles). You start to worry ‘is she rolling at the right time?’ ‘will she learn to do this?’ ‘why is so and so’s baby doing this and she’s not?’. It’s the time when you have to learn to accept every baby is different and you can’t compare otherwise you’ll drive yourself mad. The poops are pretty horrific when you start weaning – but it’s just the smell really! I am very fortunate that Willow started sleeping through from about 6 months old so I started to have my sleep back. We also started putting her to bed with the monitor and she went into her own room at 6 months. That was tough and I spent the first night glued to the monitor. She was fine though and actually slept so much better without me in the room with her!! I started to claw back some of my identity at 6-9 months. I started picking up things with my volunteering activities, I actually find time (sometimes) to put some make up on! The hairdryer and hair straighteners are still abandoned for now though.
She’s 10 months old now and I can’t imagine life without her. I think about how far we have come. We started with her sleeping only downstairs, in her bouncy chair, scaring us half to death because they’re not supposed to sleep in bouncy chairs. She then moved into her cot but would only spend half of the night in the cot. I loved being next to her though, even if she was noisy. Now she sleeps through the night, in her own room and i’m like ‘where did the time go?’ and ‘this isn’t so bad – maybe we could have another one.’ I think it gets to the stage where you sort of repress how difficult it was at the start and you feel like you can totally do it all again! Not just yet though 🙂
Totally love being a mum but I will be honest on behalf of mums everywhere – it is a life changing and sometimes really difficult and lonely experience – but the absolute best kind. It’s the best kind of difficult. One thing I’ve learnt though, as I struggled with guilt for struggling at the start – it’s okay to struggle! I felt guilty at the start because I felt due to my previous loss and the struggles we had with having a baby that I should be constantly elated, happy and never finding anything a struggle. So when I had her and things were a bit of a shock to the system, I did feel guilty. I learnt though that I didn’t need to feel guilty and it’s totally okay to find it hard – because it is hard, but it’s also beautiful.